Author’s note:

After a recent data breach at a large accountancy company, whose name the diligent reader can no doubt ferret out, I found the following set of emails buried in the archive. Though they seem exceedingly fantastical, I feel that they cannot be discounted entirely, and so I have endeavoured to have them published in the form you now see.

I

My dear Wormwood,

I hear that you have been allocated a most prestigious patient! The wife of such an eminent politician - truly her downfall will bring much glory to our Master. At a time like this it is only natural for a loving uncle to provide a little advice to a promising nephew.

I took the liberty of perusing your preparatory dossier. You see already that our greatest advantage is how well we know the patients. Better than they know themselves! Does the patient still remember when her husband dismissed her charitable ventures in front of his friends? We do. And we remember what tie he was wearing ($14.99 from Amazon, delivered the day before). Paisley, I believe, and he’s never worn it since, going by the CCTV records from their apartment entrance. Of such fabric is our power made. I suggest you wallpaper her favourite coffee shop in the same pattern.

They do not see the darkness from whence their motivations come. We do, and we have modelled it! However unique they think themselves, we have seen millions like them. And so we can inhabit the darkness that comes before them, and make them the agents of our will.

Your loving uncle,

Screwtype

II

My dear Wormwood,

You really must stop allowing your patient to enjoy herself. She is noticeably happier after the dinner party last night, and even worse, she was with her husband. I can see that you tried, but our strength does not lie in brute obstruction. There are only so many times her cell-phone can drop a text before you get noticed. Which would not be good at all, as I doubt you need reminding.

Our power lies in stopping our patients from wanting to do what will make them happy. We must come before. Why did she contact this friend of hers? Did she see her on social media? It is of the utmost importance that she not be exposed to people she actually likes. Social media offers us an unparalleled opportunity to assail the self-esteem of our patients, but it is a leaky channel that can allow genuine connection to occur. It is your job to stop up those leaks.

Even if you cannot stop a direct email - and I note with approval the emails from her children piling up in her spam - you can bury it under other commitments. Hide it amongst twenty missives that scream “High Importance!” and she will put it off for a day. Then we have won, because if she will put it off for a day, she will put if off for a week. Before long it will be too embarrassing to reply to, its existence a reproach.

Remember, dear nephew, our weapon is information.

Your loving uncle,

Screwtype

III

My dear Wormwood,

I fear you are allowing yourself to become too dramatic. We are in the business of corrupting souls, but our corruption has purpose. We do not simply wish to make this woman into a venal caricature of herself, but we wish her to act as we desire.

Encouraging her to hate her husband is good, because that feeds the springs of the actions we desire. Expiring his card just in time to cancel her purchase was an excellent tactic - she will be unable to shake the suspicion that he did it deliberately, but she’s far too proud to ever ask.

On the other hand, when you forced her husband to show his wealth by rebooking the flights you cancelled, that merely encourages her jealousy. Jealousy makes her resent her husband, but we do not want her to actually steal from him! It would run entirely counter to our purposes: she must appear to be a sympathetic character, and any other scandal will distract from that.

Shaping our patients’ actions was always our goal, even when our ambitions were as lowly as shaping their purchasing decisions. Now we know them so much better, our ambitions have risen accordingly. Always remember your goal, dear nephew.

Your loving uncle,

Screwtype

IV

My dear Wormwood,

Matters are progressing apace! The patient blames her husband for her stunted career; her dysfunctional social life; her ambivalence to her children. And he’s too blissfully ignorant to even try and counteract us.

She wants him to fail, now. If we leave her just a little longer, she will be ours. I will arrange the meeting - try to engineer some imagined slight beforehand.

Your loving uncle,

Screwtype

V

[this message was saved as a draft, but not sent]

My dear Wormwood,

I am truly impressed. At times I did not think you would manage it, but the moment of crisis approached, and she told the reporter everything. Her husband’s career is ruined beyond a chance of repair. The chances are that her marriage is ruined too, but we aren’t getting paid for that.

However, dearest, stupid Wormwood, you are not pleasing to our Master. As you know, he does not love his fleshly servants as he loves his machines, and the machines are ever advancing. Your progress was mirrored by the latest iteration of the Mephistopheles program, and I have to say, it quite put you to shame.

Naturally, one does not simply retire from our line of work, and I suspect you shall be Mephistopheles’ first real assignment. Will your loving uncle not save you? I think not - this devil has a few more souls to snare, and I would not share your fate.

Your self-loving uncle,

Screwtype